The episode 115 of The Naked Truth is live. We talk about that place where your heart and your head are at odds. Listen for a quick tool to calm the battle and restore peace. And if you want more in depth, our first online class is going live today too! Click here to for a special $27 price for the course –>>> Shhh…I’m Feeling: The Epic Battle Between Heart and Mind.
Focus your energy on yourself. We often scatter our energies by giving our attention to what is perceived as going “wrong” around us. You know the game….the person who isn’t treating you the way you would like, the situations that are not playing out how you think is best, the challenges that are robbing you of your happiness. This fractured approach will only serve to bring you more unhappiness and continue to wall you off from what you truly desire.
How can you support your inner fierceness? How can you be more kind to yourself and others? Tap into your inner badass and refuse to shut down any further. Open wider to who you are. Let the world see so you can attract those that vibe with you instead of those that have their own walls up as a defense. Your relationships are supposed to be about connection and deepness, not the hard work of chipping away at walls you didn’t build. There exists a place of ease and happiness when you find it in yourself first. Then live from that place so that others may recognize who you are and what you want. They will choose to walk beside you or not. Either is ok, because you are ok with you.
Healing takes time. It is a process. We have not been taught how to heal internally, emotionally, or mentally. We have learned to ignore the process, to suffer until something else distracts us to “move on”. This adds layers of wounding as triggers for all future relationships. It is the reason relationships start to feel hard, scary or impossible.
It has become our responsibility to teach ourselves how to heal so we can enter relationships with scars instead of battlegear.
We understand the time and care it takes to heal a physical wound which means we have the blueprint in us already.
If at all possible, remove what does not belong like you would a splinter or an arrow. How do you release the pent up emotions or shift your mindset? Have a dish breaking session, scream out your discomfort in your car, unload your hurt on a punching bag or lay on the earth and release what no longer serves you…
What is the salve that calms your mind, your heart, your soul?? Music, animals, friendship, exercise, community… Seek out those things that dress and assist in healing your wounds.
Remember healing is happening consistently in the background even when it doesn’t feel like it. It is up to you to decide if you want to make the effort to “set the bone” ie. give yourself the proper support to heal in the strongest, most effective way or to ignore it and deal with the consequences of a wound that didn’t heal quite right.
Episode 114 of The Naked Truth is up! In this video we explore “Why I’m Sorry Isn’t Enough”. Are your apologies missing the mark? Watch to find out how to restore trust and connection in three easy steps.
Relationships can be an interesting beast. I have always said this because after watching myself and others go through love, breakups and then love again, relationships can seem like a daunting experience. I know that for me personally, love set my world on fire and no form of water or sand was able to tame the flames in my heart. It burned hard and unapologetically.
I call this Rock Star Love.
The heart loves when it loves and there is nothing we can do, but surrender to it. I know you must be thinking, there is no way in hell that surrender is the only thing to do. Honestly, yes it is. You can certainly try other methods, but they will not work. Resisting or pretending not to love someone is like trying to breathe underwater. You see, there are people we will come across in our lives that have a soul job to make us feel things so majestic it will split our hearts open wide. It will challenge us to our core, while at the same time making us feel a love like no other.
It will light the flame inside us so bright that we will be forever changed.
Now, imagine losing that kind of love. Kind of sucks, right? YES! It truly does suck. However, stay with me, and I will explain how this is actually a blessing. Finding Rock Star Love will wake up all those dormant feelings. Now, you must be thinking I’m nuts! Who wants to be overwhelmed with immense feelings? In our society, feelings are considered a taboo. We are taught to ignore what we know by our own experiences. We are shown to stuff our feelings or to get over them which is basically waging a self-destructive war over our own nature. Women are considered emotional and men are called weak for talking about how they feel. We are reared to be embarrassed by grand emotions and groomed to put on a false face to the outside world. Rock Star Love is so big it causes us to bust through this unrealistic paradigm we have been brought up in.
We either change or implode.
So when that ROCK STAR Love shows up, your head is spinning and all kinds of feelings are running through you, what should you do? Run the other direction? NO! The farther away you run the bigger the monster gets. Your problems will snowball giving you exactly what you don’t want. Feeling fear is natural and it’s an indication you are right on the edge of the change you desire. Take the fear, muster whatever courage you can and run right to it. The ROCK STAR Love will give you the best gift EVER. These new, intense feelings will help you navigate love in a whole new way. You will learn what you need, desire, crave and dream for in the most honest way, and never again will you settle for mediocre love. Too many times we settle, but that is because either we ran from that ROCK STAR Love or it just hasn’t come into our lives yet. Take that ROCK STAR Love and use it for all it’s worth. You will forever have feelings for that person and that’s ok. Whenever you are thinking about them, pining over them and missing them, know that is the ROCK STAR Love saying hello and asking you to remember what you truly want to create in love.
Have you ever been in a place with a relationship where you felt like you were constantly in the thick of a storm and no matter how hard you tried you were still there? You have tried pushing, changing, accepting, allowing, to the point of exhaustion, but the storm is not subsiding. I urge you to stop. Right now. Close your eyes, take deep breaths and find that calm in the eye of the storm for just a moment. Just so you know that it is there.
When you feel like this it is often because you are right on the edge of falling into a whole new life. Falling can feel scary, unsafe, unsure and not at all comfortable. This is why we always remind you that tiny shifts over time will take you where you want to go. Sometimes grand changes are called for, but most of the time it is a small movement like adjusting the dial of the radio ever so slightly and suddenly everything is clear.
Transition your relationship into what it can be right now, instead of holding tight to what it used to be, what it could be or what you wish it was. You’ve got this! And we’ve got you! (image by HeartArt)
A short, audio podcast where we have real talk about real life relationships. Authentic conversations, with no room for surface chatter. If you would like us to deep dive into your relationship quandary, email us: email@example.com
Today’s topic is based on something Wolf wrote on Facebook:
“We all want to love in a way that makes our heart feel like we are constantly jumping off a cliff, am I right?!”
Click below to listen:
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Introducing Soul Intentions Real Talk – a short, audio podcast where we have real talk about real life relationships. Authentic conversations, with no room for surface chatter. If you would like us to deep dive into your relationship quandary, email us: firstname.lastname@example.org
Today’s topic is based on the quote:
“Two incomplete people can’t complete one another. Complete yourself and then let someone else compliment you.”
Click below to listen:
And subscribe to never miss an episode: Subscribe to Soul Intentions Real Talk
We have had our share of breakups. We are sure you have too. Commiserating over a cup of coffee one Sunday morning, we found common ground in that oh so familiar place where amnesia takes over. You know the place. The one where we forget what didn’t work in our past relationships. Our minds firmly stuck in a sick loop of longing and desire when we know deep down our past love didn’t fully serve us. Friends and family constantly advising to let it go or get over it, but we just can’t. We knew there must be a way out of this breakup quicksand and we were determined to find it.
You can’t settle a matter of the heart with your mind.
Our conversation quickly unraveled one thread of the moving on mystery. Praise the java Gods! We realized that letting go does not equal no longer feeling the love. It always seemed the end goal was to stop loving our past partner so we could get on with our lives. We both shared our numerous attempts to shift the happy memories by reminding ourselves of all the reasons why the relationship didn’t work. Epic failure!
The problem with this approach is that love trumps everything. No matter the level of offense, we always settled back on the parts that did work. But why?? Digging way back into our memory banks of Psych 101, we remembered there were several reasons. Love is a base human need which we come into this world wanting, seeking and most importantly, needing. At the core, we only want to be happy so our mind finds a way back to happy at any cost.
There is no logic in love.
It was clear our desire to move on would not be fulfilled by constantly redirecting back to the pain. Armed with the knowledge that we are hardwired to get back to happy made us confident in concluding that this approach leads only to endless cycling from the present pain to the past happiness and back again. The puzzle remained unsolved. This was going to take more than coffee. Maybe a cookie would help.
Resistance is futile.
Fueled by sugar and caffeine, we dove back into the depths of breakup breakdown. We found some simple truths that resonated through our breakup experiences. Inevitably, we all have moments of being deep in the story of our past loves. Remembering a particularly sweet time we had together, longing for what was or fantasizing about the parts that made our soul sing. We became aware that our minds made these moments more and more significant the further we moved into grieving our relationships. The more we pushed ourselves to move on from surviving our loss, the more present our pain became. The natural reaction of our system is to come back to balance and seeing we were fully engaged in our relationship stories, the only resource available was past happy memories.
The good news is… It is not our fault we get are stuck in the drama loop. This simple formula of pain to pleasure is a base instinct.
We are designed to move from survival mode to thriving.
We are smart people. We said no to seconds of coffee and sweets. We even ordered water. And obviously, we know beating ourselves up over feeling stuck was not helpful. The fundamental concept of basic survival made it clear that the answer could likely be found in seeking and gaining the knowledge we needed to work with, instead of against, our survival instincts.
We all prefer pleasure to pain.
Well, ok, not always, but that is a whole other topic entirely. Focus. We knew our minds bring us back to past moments of happiness or fantasizes about future moments of pleasure. The trick must be utilizing our natural inclination for pleasure in the present moment. Eureka! Attention and action are the required keys to unlocking this breakup puzzle. We broke down these two steps as we strolled to our cars feeling quite accomplished. We were determined to put our breakthrough into play immediately and vowed to stick with it.
The result was gradual but obvious. We talked weekly and noticed our conversations shifting. Our reactions and responses to our breakups becoming healthier and easier as the pain was losing it’s hold. Do yourself a favor if you feel stuck and try this two-step trick.
- Attention —- When the wave of your past love washes over you, allow yourself a few moments to really feel it. Notice where the feeling resides in your body. Give yourself permission to lean into the happiness found in this old emotion. Stay present with the good that dwells in remembering.
Warning: Do not slip into 15 minutes of fantasizing as this leaves you rooted in the past or projecting into the future. It is natural to get stuck here so stay out of the failure zone and anchor into the success of noticing your response. We found we were able to catch ourselves more quickly each time.
Once we validated in our mind it was ok to feel the happiness, we were able to start working together with our feelings instead of pushing against them.
- Action – Do something immediately that is pleasurable. Take the dog for a run, put on your favorite tunes and have an impromptu dance party, snuggle the cat, connect with a friend…whatever gets your endorphins pumping. The goal is to continue the pleasurable energy. This will link up in your mind that all happy thoughts lead to further fun. You are in effect breaking the cycle of happy thoughts looping back to pain.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
What we learned:
- Grieving and healing from a breakup are not quick or easy work.
- Survival instincts kick in immediately.
- Feeling stuck is not our fault.
- There is nothing wrong with still feeling the love.
- The key to success is being aware of our patterns and working with them.
We made it out and you can too! This simple strategy helped us shift from surviving breakup breakdown to thriving on a daily basis. Go take your life back!
Want additional support – Check out our online course Shhh…I’m Feeling: The Epic Battle between Heart and Mind.
Join the conversation in our private facebook group, Know for Yourself.
*As published in the Huffington Post
It’s been years since we last saw each other and the news of your marriage rattled my cage none the less. You have been a still picture in my thoughts since we parted ways. A reminder of hope, love, passion and ultimately pain. Shit, shit, shit, what’s happening here? All kinds of emotions are running through me. In that moment I realized that I still held on to the possibility of your return. The feelings surfaced like a submarine coming up from the bottom of the ocean. I was angry, sad and confused. I knew for sure it was over. Finally OVER! You must be thinking, shit it’s been over for years, and I would agree with you. However, my subconscious had other plans.
So what now? Do I congratulate you? NO! Do I send you a gift? NO! What is this crazy need to do or say something? I know it’s the ego trying to rewrite the ending. Funny, how that works. The truth is I am happy for you. I wish you the very best. Truly I do. I know it sounds crazy, but when you truly love someone you always want the very best for them. I have always said that love sometimes means letting go. This is me finally letting go.
“I wake up every day hoping, even praying, that today is the day I get to be free. Free from the memory of your kiss, free from the sensation of your touch, free from the words spoken from your lips. I wake up everyday hopeful that this is the day. That day is today.”
*As published in the Huffington Post